The Horrors of Voice-to-Text!

Years ago I had a darling little “slide” phone. A teeny-tiny keyboard slid out from beneath the phone proper.

I could text like the wind on that little phone. Even proper punctuation was easy on it.

But it was a “dumb” phone. Not a smart phone.  And it was growing old.  So, with a sigh, I eventually gave up my darling little phone and upgraded.  I chose another carrier and purchased a smart phone.

And the damn thing was the dumbest phone I’d ever had since my first, brick-like cell phone.

Oh, it could do all the expected things: take photos, run apps, access the Net. But the keyboard was a nightmare.  No matter what I tried—turning it sideways, using different keyboard colors, changing the keyboard sensitivity, downloading different keyboard apps—I could not type an error-free text on the dratted thing to save my own life.

Frustrated beyond belief, I began using voice-to-text.

Oh, dear.

Now, mind you, my not-so-smart phone is an Android. On a limited income, I was not about to pay the overreaching, exorbitant price of an iPhone. But for that very reason, I am forced to wonder why the very same phone that can, whenever I say, “Okay, Google” and make a request, figure out precisely what it is that I’m asking and type it correctly—why, why can that same phone NEVER, never ever even once type a text out correctly on the first try?  Or the second.  Or even the third.

The same voice—mine–asking a question is the same one speaking the text, so why?! It makes no sense.

Even worse is the damned thing’s propensity for changing what I have just said. I speak, I watch the screen, and it (for once) types what I have said.  But when (as I have learned I absolutely must do!) I scroll back to check the text, I find that it has changed not just words, but entire phrases, to something else.  WHY?  It wrote what I said…and then, without reason or warning, changed it.  I have even, to my horror and dismay, watched it change entire phrases WHILE THE TEXT IS SENDING.  Right in the middle of cyberspace, BINGO!  An entire sentence of carefully-spoken words is changed to something completely nonsensical.  This, of course, requires a sigh and another text, correcting the nonsense that the Evil Child of Terminator has just written.

Then there is the fact that, no matter how carefully I speak, my phone can never seem to comprehend the difference when I say the words “And” and “In”. Inevitably, it switches them.  And although it was finally corrected, for the longest time it could not comprehend the punctuation words, “exclamation point”, writing those words out completely unless I used the British version, saying, “exclamation mark”.  Even a phone as dumb as mine should be able to figure out  that I AM NOT LIVING IN BRITIAN!  Nor can it still figure out the punctuation statements “Quote” and “Unquote”.

And then there is its habit of, out of the blue, capitalizing words. Words that have not, in any way, shape, or form, been spoken with emphasis.  Words that do not relate to some current cultural event—not a movie, a song, or an idiocy perpetrated by a Kardashian.  Nope.  Just because it wants to, apparently, and consequently requiring that I backspace using that irritating, miniscule cursor (that no more obeys my thumb than does the keyboard) to correct the inaccurate upper case.  The opposite, of course, is also true—no matter with what emphasis a word is spoken, the phone will not capitalize a first letter, let alone an entire word.

And there is the final (to me) insult,  no matter how many times I have corrected it, of using the sub-moronic version of the decades-long accepted contraction, ‘cause, and mutating it to “cuz”. Listen, you jerk-ignorant programmers: a “cuz” is one’s cousin.  The slang word is not even pronounced in the same manner.  The word, “ ‘cause ” is a contraction of the full word,  “because”, and has been in use in the English language since the 15th century.  It is ‘cause, not cuz or cos.  (Because that’s what is grammatically correct, dammit!)

The best thing I have to say of Voice-to-Text on my phone is that it is ever so slightly easier than typing on the worthless keyboard. And perhaps my next phone (which will still be an Android, because I still have the same reaction to the overpriced and really no better iPhone) will be a bit more sensitive to my spoken statements and print them out a bit more correctly.

Even if I could talk without breathing, though, I’m not holding my breath.

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